Called by the Blessed by Jali Henry

Author:Jali Henry [Henry, Jali]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Jali Henry

22

Giada

“So, you see, I didn’t see any other way…couldn’t see….” Maureen’s lips began wobbling as her eyelids opened and shut rapidly. She’d been sharing her story at the SA meeting. “…it’s the biggest regret of my life,” she added as her voice cracked.

Aaron waited a respectful length of time, making sure she was finished, before saying, “Thank you for sharing Maureen, thank you.” He leant forward and put his hand on hers.

She nodded, closing her eyes as her lip wobbling slowed down and eventually stopped with a few gasping breaths.

Aaron looked around the group. “Is there anyone else who would like to share this week?”

Nobody spoke. A couple of first timers who Giada had just met tonight, looked away, studiously avoiding eye contact.

Aaron looked at Giada, “Giada, what about you?” He blinked at her, his gaze unwavering.

Giada felt her pulse quicken and her chest get tight. She wasn’t shy, but this was a profoundly challenging thing to do. “Erm, no, I’m not ready yet.”

“Giada, you’ve been coming here for weeks, and every week you say you’re not ready. I think it’s time that you shared with the group.”

“But why? Can’t I just keep coming here and participate by listening?”

“Yes, of course you can, but if you think you’ll ever heal that way you’re mistaken. Only by making a fearless, thorough, and honest inventory of all the sins that you think landed you in Hell—or the one big sin which landed you in Hell—will you reach salvation.”

Giada nodded. She’d heard this speech before, several times, and she wanted to believe it, she really did. But there was a voice of doubt inside her. Was it doubt or resistance? Deep down she knew it wasn’t either of these. It was fear: bone deep, soul-crushing fear.

What was she so scared of? She knew the truth so what was the fear in naming what she’d done? Did she fear what the others thought of her? She’d never cared much for others’ opinions; she was too self-absorbed so what was it then? As she sat there, searching her heart whilst the others all stared at her, she realised what it was. She feared that to tell them what she had done would make it real. Although she knew what her big sin was, she’d still managed to live in denial all these years, pushing it to the back of her mind and convincing herself that she was still a good person. She’d been so successful at this that it had come as a surprise to arrive in Hell, but deep down there was a small kernel of guilt, a tiny maggot of self-hatred which grew the more time she spent here.

She couldn’t avoid the truth, and hiding it from the others didn’t make it go away—it made it grow. It was now a monster, stalking her dreams, threatening to consume her, and lurking during her waking hours until the moment she went to sleep when it would pounce upon her once more. She’d relived the

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